From Hiding to Seeking

Anna Wetzel
annawetzel33@gmail.com
616-729-8315
19
714 words
From Hiding to Seeking

I remember the exact moment when my emotions and I started playing hide and seek. I was six when I first saw my father hurt himself. I had left the dishwasher open by accident, oblivious to the fact that because he is blind, he could trip on it and fall. When he did, I was so scared of the sight of him in pain that I ran upstairs to hide in my closet, engulfing myself in darkness. I curled up as tight as possible, with my knees to my chest as I felt wetness on my cheeks and grappled with what I just caused. Even then, I didn’t let people see me cry—that’s private. The guilt bubbled up inside me and added another layer to my armor of disassociation. This was the beginning of my journey to become a seeker of light after many years of hiding in my own figurative closets.

My hiding began young when, as an adopted child, I began to notice that my
white family was different from the families of other Black kids in my class. We listened to different types of music. We had different customs and clothing styles. We even had very, let’s say, interesting thanksgiving foods that I did not enjoy. I found myself instinctively fascinated with the intricate hairstyles and the hip hop/rap music they shared with me at school. All of these differences led me to feel isolated in darkness and uncomfortable, but I couldn’t articulate my emotions. I was very secretive about my adoptive past and self-conscious about my dad’s special needs. I was determined to keep these things separate from the rest of my life. I was hiding my emotions from my family and my family from my friends. I eventually came to the realization that I can’t hide my family and that I should be proud of my love for them and how much they have influenced the person I am today. I had to learn that I gain no benefits in my life from hiding from my insecurities and I should rather be found by the seekers around me.

The summer after freshman year, I started working at a dysfunctional and poorly run fast food restaurant. (It was so notorious that it has its own Reddit page.) After just one week of working for that establishment, I had been exposed to a wider range of different people than I had in my entire life, hard-working single moms, regulars dealing with mental health issues, coworkers dealing with drug addiction, teen parents, and others. I was emotionally torn and wanted to help these people solve their problems.

However, in the process, I tried to take it all on myself, which led me stuck in another closet of anxiety and bad decisions. I was hidden in my own darkness yet again, only now under their problems. Eventually my parents took notice of my absence and sat me down to have a lot of difficult conversations. They helped me understand that while it’s a good thing to be a person who seeks the light in others, I needed to guard myself and my emotions from situations and people who will weigh me down. I had to learn that it is possible to care too much for others at the cost of my own well-being.

I’m learning not to hide from my emotions anymore but rather seek new ways to embrace them. When you seem to be living in multiple worlds, you’ll always feel like you’re hiding from one or another. I was hiding from my parents. I was hiding from the community I grew up in. I was hiding from my friends. And most of all, I was hiding from myself. Having faced the repercussions of hiding, I am ready to start seeking the light. I am seeking to build a good community at school through my involvement and leadership. I am seeking to broaden my knowledge and understanding of other cultures and perspectives by traveling to new places. I am seeking to uplift and help my friends who are struggling without hiding my own struggles. And lastly, I am seeking a well-rounded education that will teach me how to be a leader in this world with great
needs.